Thursday, October 05, 2006

And when the phone doesn’t ring or when a good night email isn’t sent or a phone call to discuss or favorite show isn’t made, my faith in this is tested.

How did you explain the situation, I email him. Two hours later, it’s still not answered. Don’t play the game of I’m busy with me. My emails have never gone unanswered by you for more than thirty minutes.

I’m working on photography, I’m taking the day off tomorrow, I’m cleaning the apartment and going through things. I will purge my life of old things and try to start new. I will clean the worry out of my head. I will drink white wine and cry while watching Grey’s Anatomy, all the while wondering why I am sucked into this belief that I need to be with someone.

I will try to teach myself that in the end, all I have is me.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Last night, after going out with Lawyer and deciding it wasn't something I wanted to pursue anymore and too many Stellas, I went home and got a call from him. He's out of town, on business.

I miss you, he slurred.

I miss you too, I slurred back.

I love you, I want you with me. Even when you have a bad day I love you. I love hearing your voice, hearing you laugh, hearing you mad and fighting for what you believe in.

Tears started to stream down my face. Warm, wet, happy tears. My heart felt like it would burst. And I started to feel that love that I felt for him in the beginnging.

You have to know, I said, I like what we have right now. Our sex life is amazing, we don't see each other every day, I'm learning who I am again. I am doing things for myself to make myself happy, and not to make you and only you happy. But I love you more than anything.

I want you to meet my sister when she's here, I want you to hang out with us, I love you and I want this to work.

We finished with phone sex and I drifted into a deep four hour slumber. I woke up this morning with a smile on my face.

Friday, September 29, 2006

It begins

What are you going to do to me, he emails me. Are you going to milk me dry?

A week of the emails, of the new status of f*ck buddies, and I'm already bored with the emails. I look at it, roll my eyes, and hit reply.

I have you for the weekend. You won't be able to walk by the time I get done with you. Can you do that thing you did to me last weekend, because that was amazing.

I have an reply within two minutes.

Yeah, but you're mouth will be full this time too.

We were the cutest couple for 8 months. It ended weeks ago in a battle of words, fists, and in the end, a broken bone. I can't let go of any man, no matter what they have done to me in the past, so I turn myself into the whore they want me to be, just so I can have them.

But on the side, I see the Lawyer twice a week. And for him, I am the perfect angel. The cute girl. The girl who wouldn't scare you in the bedroom.

I've always lived two separate lives. I don't know how to do anything else.